The Most Annoying NBA Player Ever Created

Every few years, one of the preview mags will do a feature where they create the “perfect” player for their sport, Dr. Frankenstein-style. You’ve seen it before: e.g., Chris Paul’s eyes (for passing), Barbosa’s legs (for speed), Ray Allen’s arms (for shooting), Duncan’s feet (for fundamentals), and so on.

But what about going the other way? Which parts would form together to make up the most annoying NBA player ever?



* Kendrick Perkins’ face — What are you so mad about? I understand the whole thing with having your game-face and trying to look intimidating, and I know you’ve been hanging with KG lately, but there’s a point when you go overboard and it borders on comical. The only time Perk drops the mean-mug is when he gets called for a foul, then it turns into a world-class whiny face. (Runner-up votes for Kobe Bryant, Oleksiy Pecherov, and Stephen Jackson.)


* Manu Ginobili’s hair — I can tell every time my boy Jed is watching a Spurs game, because he never fails to send an e-mail about Manu’s bald spot. I used to think the spot was overrated, but watching Spurs/Bulls last week … I mean, damn. Remember when the NHL had the glowing puck on TV to help novice hockey fans keep up with the game? That’s what Manu’s head looks like now. (Runner-up votes for Brian Skinner, Birdman, and Rasheed Wallace.)


* Dwight Howard’s build — In the words of Kevin Hart, “Dude, why are you still [in the gym]? That’s it; you won!” Chalk this up to annoyance-via-envy. (Runner-up votes for Alexis Ajinca, Jerome James, and Brian Scalabrine.)


* Brad Miller’s tattoos — Forget the tat on his left bicep with the old AND 1 logo guy and some Chinese lettering next to it. Forget the sun on his right shoulder and whatever he has on his left forearm and his chest. Miller has a tat on his right bicep of Scrappy-Doo. I hated Scrappy-Doo when I was a kid. (Runner-up votes for DeShawn Stevenson, Birdman, and Tim Duncan.)


* Joakim Noah’s jump shot — It’s always funny when Noah misses one of his broke-down J’s and the announcers are just silent for a few seconds. What else can you say? And Noah had the nerve to do the “You can’t see me” thing after hitting a jumper the other night? (Runner-up vote for Shawn Marion.)


* Zach Randolph’s handle — Z-Bo might be my favorite player in the League, but even I cringe sometimes when he tries to show off his Iverson game. He always looks like he’s one flinch away from creating a turnover. (Runner-up vote for Anderson Varejao.)


* Dunks like Jamaal Magloire (See Picture) -I’m 5-foot-8. All I want to do is be able to dunk one time. Then I see this 6-11 dude wasting his gift with that stupid hide-your-eyes dunk that makes me want to hide my eyes. You ain’t Dee Brown. You ain’t even Cedric Ceballos. (Runner-up vote for Brendan Haywood and his Sharapova grunts.)


* Runs like Adam Morrison — My Dad is 49 years old, 5-3 and 200-plus pounds, goes to a chiropractor twice a week, and recently found out he has damaged meniscus in his right knee. And he still runs more smoothly than Morrison.


* J.R. Smith’s swagger — I like the Nuggets, so I don’t mind it when J.R. is dropping 30-footers at the end of a blowout, slapping his defender on the ass after scoring on him, or wearing that s**t-eating grin on his face after dunking on somebody. But I can understand how if you didn’t like the Nuggets, you’d want to reach through the TV and punch him. (Runner-up votes for Eddie House, Kobe Bryant, and Paul Pierce.)


* Talks like Tommy Heinsohn — His team NEVER commits a foul, they ALWAYS get jobbed by the refs, and they NEVER lose games on their own. I’ve had to turn away from some good Celtics’ games because I just couldn’t listen to Heinsohn anymore. (Runner-up votes for Brian Scalabrine, Phil Jackson, and Bill Walton.)


* Random mannerisms and idiosyncrasies — Steve Nash’s playing with the hair, LeBron’s holding the face and rolling around after a foul, Marc Gasol’s pocket pool at the free-throw line, and Reggie Evans’ pocket pool in other people’s pockets.


* And of course, the most annoying NBA player ever created would be a proud graduate of Duke University.