Modern Practical Etiquette

This will be either the first, or the last, of a series of posts about acceptable behavior of men in our society. For those less cultured, these posts will be glorified rants, but for those who observe what I describe, I believe these thoughts will be as liberating as they will be entertaining. At least that's the idea:

These days, it's difficult to distinguish between the real and the surreal. In a world of man scaping and Kenny Chesney wearing skinny jeans, modern American men have seemingly sold their souls to the Devil himself for an extra glance from a female at a bar. While I get this so called "Peacock Theory" (e.g.: lime green polo shirts with bright yellow shorts,) there is a fine line between confidence and emasculation.

Let me begin by saying this: boys, we have created this problem ourselves. We let other men get away with said monstrosities in the name of tolerance. Men have teased one another out of bad habits for centuries, but, for whatever reason, we have stood idly by as other men have gotten spray tans, worn makeup, and drank mango cosmopolitans in public. It is 2009. We have an African American President. We can pause, rewind, and fast forward live TV. I think it is time we rid ourselves of some of the ills in our society of brothers. In the name of progress, hear my cry.

1. No more buying women drinks at the bar. This may catch some of you by surprise, but it doesn't work. In the pursuit of female acceptance, we have equated the purchase of spirits with feeding parking meters. In your mind, you are buying more minutes with a member of the opposite sex, in her mind, you are proving exactly what she suspected: that you're Richie Cunningham. Now, there are exceptions: if said woman is your significant other, or if you are making up for a mistake. For example, if you spill your drink on her, or if you spill her drink, by all means, proceed. However, if you are merely attempting to further a conversation, don't. do. it. Period. Ask if she wants a drink, and order a water. It will demonstrate your frugality and show that you refuse to be intimidated by her looks.

2. Stop with the 'funny' graphic tees. You have a sense of humor and you want everyone else to know it. We get it. You might as well wear a shirt that screams "I just threw away $20 so that you could assume I read on a fifth grade level." If it's a fraternity rush shirt, and you're still in your first three years of undergrad, you get a pass. However, if the shirt displays regional humor, then you may actually give off a "I like it here" vibe, and I am all for that. But the "That's What She Said" shirt has got to go.

3. Don't wear tennis shoes with jeans unless you are Jerry Seinfeld. If you have to ask what the exceptions are to this rule, then just follow the rule of zeros, and don't.

4. Listening to your iPod on the way to class, good. Everyone else listening to your iPod on the way to class, unacceptable. If I wanted to listen to LFO, I would call Doc Brown, get the DeLorean, and travel back to the eighth grade and watch TRL with Carson Daly. You got a better shot at hitting the Power Ball, pal. So keep those buds at an appropriate level, and listen to what you want, just don't encroach on the ears of others.

Hate it or love it, these are social ills. If we work together, we can, by some chance, get our world back to normal by just doing our small part. If you see a perceived injustice occurring, stop and ask yourself, "Would LeBron James do this?" If the answer is no, you have an ethical obligation to point out any wrongdoing. Don't blame me for telling the truth, we can only blame ourselves for the sorry state of affairs we see today.