Nintendo's All Time Top Five

It’s time to turn back the clock to a simpler time. A time when all that mattered in a young man’s life was Nintendo. Yes, we are going back to the days of game genie, blowing on the bottom of a game to clean it off and sticking other games in the slot above the active games so your Nintendo system wouldn’t shut off. Without further ado here are the 5 best Nintendo games of all time.

5. Duck Hunt

Duck Hunt was the embodiment of human interaction and technology. Up until then you had to make gun noises with your mouth and hope your friends played dead when you shot them in the imaginary war games in the backyard. But now you were pitted against slow and stupid ducks in which you could get right up on the screen and fucking blast them… and no you can not shoot the dog… It is an urban myth that's as absurd as seeing "Bloody Mary" in a pitch black shitter.




4. RBI Baseball

RBI was the first and last baseball game ever invented. To this day RBI Baseball stands the test of time and can still be played for hours on end. I used to play with Jake Combs and we would both be the Cardinals, who had about six guys who couldn’t be thrown out on ground ball to the pitcher. He would get in run downs with Vince Coleman and pace back and forth between the bases until my thumbs went numb and threw the ball away. I still get frustrated over thinking about it.




3. Mike Tyson’s Punchout

I wasted more time on this game taking the short cuts to Tyson, 007-373-5693, and getting my ass handed to me in the first 20 seconds then I did spazing out on ritalin in reading class in the third grade.

Toughest

Mr. Sandman - I always envisioned myself being able to drop that roll punch in a fight in school…. I did practice in front of the mirror on multiple occasion. But I wasn’t 6’4, I didn’t have a gherri curl and I wasn’t black.

Tyson – Like trying to dodge bullets with a blindfold on.

Bald Bull 2 - The Bull Charge was probably the most devastating combo in the history of fighting games. I’d love to see an MMA’er pull that shit out of a bag.

Super Macho Man – The Super Macho Punch was tought to defend plus this dude had to have been a part time porn start with that slick gray wig and his huge speedo buldge. Not that I was looking.

Piston Honda 1 - Anybody who claims they beat Piston Honda in the first 20 times they fought him are fucking lying. TKO from Tokyo!!!

Easiest

Flamingo – What a total D-Bag.

Magic Tiger – Was all about timing with this camel jockey.

Von Kaiser- You could get so many uppercut stars on this Ken Kasacavage look a like Nazi.

Soda Popinski – Most over rated fighter in the game… and plus he was fucking Purple. I lost to him once and saw the “chicken balk tittie flex” and it never happened again.

King Hippo – Easiest opponent if you were patient enough to wait for his punches but if you had severe ADD and couldn’t sit still this one would go deep in the rounds... Yep I found out from experience.





2. Tecmo Bowl

Tecmo Bowl was the first introduction of Pro Football to many of us as a children. If gave us the perception that… there are only 4 plays in an offensive playbook (3 runs and 1 pass… Unless you were the 49ers or Dolphins, 3 pass and 1crun), QB’s could throw the ball 90 yards in the air, you can’t stop the Raiders run game even if you select the only play Bo Jackson ran and that Lawrence Taylor is the “kick blockingest, interception gettingest, quarterback sackingest baddest muthafucka” on the planet. (Tecmo Bowl was proceeded by Tecmo Superbowl which in my opinion is more superior for two reasons 1.) Game Stats 2.) Barry Sanders.)


1. Contra

Much like masterbation and grabbing tits in the movies is for a 13 year old boy the adventures of Bill and Lance on their journey to destroy Red Vile in the New Zealand jungles and save the planet was the highlight of my life as a 9 year old. Who could ever forget Contra! I have forgotten family member’s birthdays, my social security number and even how to do long subtraction but for some reason… Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A start will be etched into my brain for eternity. Any game where you can start the game with infinite lives and all the weapons is tops in my books especially when one of the weapon was more destructive than your grandmother Aquanet can and a lighter… Yes I’m talking about the Spread Shotgun. If only our military minds would have works for Konomi the late 80’s would we not be safe from terror of Bin Ladin. (If you have the time...Watch below... The guy beats Contra in under 15 minutes without getting killed... This is right there with the invention of electricity!)








Hon Mention. World Class Track Meet w/ Power Pad

The only way to beat Rabbit in the 100 was on your hands and knees.

HM. Excitebike

Great…. except was only one player and I always fucking overheated!!!





HM. Double Dribble

How could you ever forget the announced opening up the game with “Dwouble Dwibble”.





HM. Blades of Steel

I didn’t understand hockey nor had I ever seen it… to an adolescent in Kentucky the sport itself was as far fetched as the big white flying dog in the Neverending Story… But it did have one thing… One on One fist fights!!!